Where to begin?
The holidays were spent in much revelry and excitement, lighting the menorahs, opening gifts, watching Avigail play with her new toys, spending hours and hours with family. Then it happened. So quickly, so unexpectedly, so cruelly. And she was gone.
My dear mother-in-law Shirley is gone.
She's gone. She'll never greet us at her door again, she'll never chase Avi around the house again, she'll never relax in her easy chair again, the chair no one ever sat in but her. There are so many things we'll never get to see her do again. It hurts. We knew it was a possiblity, but not so soon, not so violently, not so abruptly.
Let me just back up a bit. Hanukkah finished up on Dec 18th and we arrived too late to see the menorahs lit with all 8 candles (and I was secretly very upset about it, I really wanted to see them all lit up). My camera's batteries were dead so I didn't take any photos and I don't believe Shirley took any. If my memory serves me right, Shirley kept Avigail overnight that night as usual for a Friday night. We picked up Avi the next evening.
(Shirley opening a chocolate gelt for Avigail on the 4th night of Hanukkah 2009)
On Sunday Dec 20th my brother arrived from his long drive from Georgia. We decided to spend almost the entire week at my mother's home so we could spend time with Robby. He's due to go on his 3rd tour of Iraq at the end of January. We didn't see Shirley the entire week except on Monday as Shirley's brother and sister-in-law flew down from Michigan to visit. We spent the day lounging around and took a little side trip up to Mount Scott while Shirley stayed home to take a nap.
Then Christmas came and went and we choose to stay at my mother's that Friday night to spend time with my stepdad's family and my grandmother and uncle who were visiting from out of town.
Avigail's birthday was to be held the day after Christmas so that my brother, grandmother, and uncle all could be there. I drove home early around 10am or so and decorated the house a little for Avi's birthday with balloons and streamers. Got everything straightened up and waited for the party to begin. Just before 4pm my brother, hubby, as well as my in-laws (including Shirley, Danny, and Emily) arrived. We gathered in the kitchen as Robby set up Avi's fish tank gift in there. Shirley commented on how I should go into business making cakes since Avi's cake turned out so good. She also said something along the lines of "You're such a fine young man, cleaning up after yourself" to Robby as he cleaned up the mess from the fish tank.
And at one point she said "you look like you need a hug, Amber" and gave me a hug for no reason at all, just because. The rest of the guests arrived and we ate cake and ice cream and opened up presents. Shirley ate one scoop of ice cream as she has been on a pureed diet since she got out of the hospital back just before Thanksgiving.
After the festivities, Daniel got on the computer and Shirley, Danny, and Emily and I followed. He wanted to show her the photos we took of the Jaba the Hut snowman he and Rob made the previous week. I got my mom's camera and showed them to Shirley. She said the little snowman I made was cute and said the Hut was great. She laughed at the photos of Avi playing in the snow and the one photo of me looking goofy lying in a snow bank.
She also saw this photo of Avigail on my desktop and said she wanted a copy.
I said I'd tried to send her the hanukkah pics via email twice but that it wouldn't send for some reason and that I'd put them on a disk instead. She said she'd send me the pics from Avi's birthday, that she got a pic of every present being opened. Not too long thereafter everyone began to leave all at once. For that reason I was not able to say goodbye with a hug as we usually do. Avi hollared for "Bubbe!" and ran to get a hug though.
They left and and Daniel went to my mom's house with Rob while Avi and I stayed at home alone to clean up and would be at mom's later. I saw that Shirley had left her purse on the endtable and hollered out the door for him to call and tell his mom. Shortly thereafter, they showed up and Emily came in to get the purse. Avigail and I stood in the doorway and waved and said our goodbyes and said i love you's. Shirley waved from the car door and said i love you back.
I got the house cleaned and went over to mom's to spend the last night with grandma and uncle. That night while we were sleeping at about 12:30 or so Daniel's phone rang. I knew it couldn't be good. I could hear Danny's voice saying "mom's throwing up blood." Daniel sprang out of bed, got dressed and told me to stay home and that he'd call. Eventually I fell back to sleep. The next day is a blur as I stayed home and Daniel called to say she wasn't doing good. The tumor in her esophagus had began to bleed around the stent and the doctors were unable to control it. Eventually he was told that there were nothing they could do except make her as comfortable as possible.
Sunday evening Daniel asked me to bring Avigail up to the hospital to see Shirley. We snuck into the ICU and Avi fluttered around like usual. Shirley didn't say a word and barely acknowledged our presence as she was just so exhausted.
But at one point I watched her gaze so lovingly at Avigail. She smiled so sweetly and her eyes glistened with love and joy as she soaked up the last few drops that she would see of her grandbaby.
She loved Avigail with so much intensity.
Time came to sneak back out and Avi gave Bubbe one last little kiss/hug and cried for her Bubbe the whole way out. I had no time to give her a hug or tell her I loved her or anything for that matter as I had to wrangle Avigail and sneak out quickly. That was the last time I saw Shirley alive.
That night Daniel came home and attempted to go to sleep, but was unable to shake his nerves. He got dressed and went back to the hospital. And sure enough it was the last night of her life. He says she knew it was coming and that she wanted to die, the pain was just too unbearable. She lost consciousness several times. Her last conscious moments were spent telling her husband and son that she loved them both.
Then she drifted off as her body fought to keep her alive for two more hours. Eventually her blood pressure dropped to practically zero and her breathing slowed to a stop. And then she was gone. Daniel and Danny hugged her and held onto her as long as they could. I know it must have been so incredibly hard. Around 9:30 Daniel showed up at my mom's house and walked in and said "she's gone." I was in shock. Total shock. I dressed quickly and we went up to the hospital together. We held her hands and cried and just gazed at her lifeless body with agony. We wanted her back, to snap out of it, to open her eyes and say "it's all alright, i was just sleeping". But no, she was gone forever. Poor Emily couldn't bring herself into the room. She was afraid, of the unknown, of seeing her mommy like that, maybe of just facing the truth. We all cried, and cried, and cried some more.
Things have been strange ever since. Danny asked me to buy all brand new clothes for Shirley to be buried in. I asked her to help me find something she'd like and eventually I came up with all the pieces for her funeral. I also was asked to put together photos of Shirley for the photo slideshow for the funeral home. Telling Avigail that Bubbe is gone has been so saddening. She wants to see her and doesn't understand. Shirley died the day before her birthday. I'm so glad we choose to have the party early. We were going to have it on Sunday, thank God we didn't.
I am just overwhelmed. The last thing Shirley gave to Avigail was a book called "bright and beautiful". It is a short and simple book but the most wonderful thing about it is that it has a record feature for each page. So Shirley took the time to record herself reading each page for Avigail so she'd always be able to be read to by her Bubbe. It's the most precious thing ever. Listening to it makes me cry. I miss Shirley so much. Her last gift to me hasn't even been given to me yet. It was my last hanukkah gift and for some reason it had not been delivered before the end of hanukkah. She asked me if I wanted to know what it was, but I said no, I wanted to be surprised. Who would've guessed I'd get it after she died? My last gift to her was that comfort shawl that I crochetted. I'm so glad I made it for her. We may end up burying her with it, though I'm not sure.
The funeral is to be held Friday Jan 1st at 1:30pm at the Becker Funeral Home Chapel with Ponce officiating. The interment will be held Monday Jan 4th at 1pm at Fort Sill National Cemetery the same place my father is buried.
Shirley mentioned the night after Avi's party that she wished she'd had another scoop of ice cream. And on the list she made of Hanukkah presents she wanted she wrote "a new grandbaby" at the bottom real big. She loved being a Bubbe.
She said she felt really good on Saturday, no naseaua or pain. I wish we had spent that Friday night with them instead of my family. I think Shirley left her purse at our house so I could have a chance to say goodbye and I love you.
But I've just been rambling on and on now. I really must get some sleep.
Placed the other very pretty one in this old garge sell find. Not sure what it is. Appears to be made of brass(?like I really know?) and has 2 curved areas to hold something. Too little for rings. I really don't know. But I sure like it. And this hang tag is just darling.
Here's a photo of the decorated jar and some other pretties. 
Here are some photos of my silver goodies. My mom rescued a round platter, a small teapot, a little sugar bowl and a cream bowl, a small bowl, a large pitcher, and a butter dish. All are super tarnished and looking quite drab. 
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My mom was able to find some Wright's Silver Cream for me as well. I'd looked for it but never could seem to pin it down anywhere (except online). 
I've only polished the lid thus far. And boy does it make a difference..jpg)
Here's the little cream bowl before polishing. It had some blue tarnishy stuff on it..jpg)
But the polish sure makes it look peeerrrrtyyy! I haven't down the fine details of it yet, but it looks so lovely already!.jpg)
Here's my big teapot. It was super yucky tarnished. The lid is broken too but who cares, right? It's a beauty regardless.
And here it is all sparkly! Beautiful!.jpg)
Here I sat it on a little Leonard silver tray I have that polished up quick. .jpg)
This candle (shamash) is always lit first and from it the rest of the candles are lit. The Messiah is the light of the world and from him we are given the light of the truth which it turn is a light to others. So that we all can find the way. In this same way, the shamash, our Messiah, is lit first. He is always held higher than the rest. He then helps all by lighting each of the other candles, us. And although he is the worker, the doer, he is the one held in highest esteem. So too, are we expected to want to be workers, doers of the word. To shine our light for others to see.
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